Here in Italy we recently changed our edition of the Roman Missal, the book that guides the priest through the celebration of the Mass. Priests were given the option to start using it in November of 2020, but on Easter Sunday of 2021 its use became obligatory. While the changes were perhaps less dramatic than those presented by the new English-language missal some ten years ago (for instance, who can forget when “And also with you” became “And with your spirit”?), both then and now the use of the new missals brought an unintended consequence: after the changes, it is easy to tell when someone has been away from the Church.
This is particularly the case in Italy, where the majority of the population was raised Catholic. Before the change, during baptisms, weddings, and funerals, most people could follow along and pretend reasonably well that they knew what was going on. After the change, and in particular with the switch in the words of the Our Father, it is no longer as easy to fake.
The Larger Problem
Such mishaps reveal an underlying phenomenon: many people don’t go to church. Perhaps more disconcerting is that the vast majority seem to pay no mind to the Church at all; they are indifferent to the lack of religion. Here lies the real problem: God has become an accessory to life, like a purse, a backpack, or Tylenol. If you need it (in a moment of crisis or because it’s convenient) then you spend time with it; if it’s not useful, then it can be cast aside.
All of us should be affected by our non-practicing brothers and sisters. After all, if the Church is a family and is the Body of Christ, then what happens to one affects us all, just as a headache or a stubbed toe makes the whole body miserable. However, this problem affects parents and grandparents in a particular way since they are “the first teachers of their child in the ways of faith,” as the Rite of Baptism puts it.
Recently a Catholic writer posted some suggestions for parents whose children do not practice the faith. As I understood it, one counsel was to admit that they had probably fallen short in their own practice of the faith, had made mistakes in raising their children, and that they should try to learn from those errors. On the one hand, this is most certainly true: everyone makes mistakes and, if there are still children at home, prayerful reflection could provide some insights as to how to go about passing on the faith.
On the other hand, in my experience, the ones most affected by the lack of faith of their children are the parents and grandparents of grown children. In such cases, it doesn’t seem that reflecting on past mistakes makes much sense. Instead, the real issue seems to be that of human freedom: we are free to choose.
So, what is a parent to do? I think there are three truths worth considering, and one concrete thing to be done.
The First Truth
The great Spanish bishop and educator, St. Manuel González, certainly had his fair share of difficulties and troublesome pupils. Of his many maxims and suggestions, two are particularly pertinent for us. First, the seeds of faith we sow in souls always bear fruit: we hope for a harvest of virtues but, if not, then at least there will be a harvest of remorse of conscience. In other words, when we try to teach children (our own or others) right from wrong, good from evil, and the truths of the faith, what seeps into their souls with God’s grace always produces something. We hope that this fruit takes the form of virtues and holiness but, if not, at least it will take the form of repentance.
Along those lines, my community’s first oratory was frequented by the meanest and most challenging children in the neighborhood. Even with the care and attention of priests, seminarians, and sisters, the lessons regarding God’s goodness and love, many ended up making a living out of their criminal activities. Yet, one day the prison chaplain came for a visit, and he remarked that he could always tell which of his prisoners had spent time in our oratory. When asked why, he replied, “Because your children are the only ones who will ask for a priest when they are dying.” Now, I don’t believe anyone would hold up such children as models at the oratory . . . but if there’s a hall of fame, such ones might make it on the list, and perhaps more of them than we realize.
The Second Truth
The same saint points out another truth: even if all we see is how bad our children are, even if we see only the ways they offend or ignore Him, even then, they are not as bad as they would have been without our examples or teachings. When a child receives the sacraments, sanctifying grace, and what we teach them, the impact on their souls is priceless. One of the tasks of grace is to heal the wounds of Original Sin, and even if a child should have the misfortune to fall into mortal sin, the time they spent in God’s grace has done wonders for their souls.
The Third and Greatest Truth
However, we also have another great truth, one that is inescapably and inevitably true. It is this: sin never makes anyone happy for very long. It simply can’t. When St. Thomas Aquinas and many philosophers spoke of sin, they described it not as something substantial in itself but rather as a lack or an absence of the good. Things are only complete and perfect when ordered to God; outside of that order, they are missing something. If true happiness is only found in God, then it follows that sin cannot fill anyone up for very long, no more than a leak in a boat can be solved by adding more holes.
What is a Parent, a Friend, a Catholic to Do?
What has been said is true enough, but such thoughts perhaps serve to console us rather than give us a plan of work. There is much work to be done. What is this work? Suggestions range from inviting non-practicing members back to Church, arranging phone calls and conversations, and the like. These are good things, and we shouldn’t dismiss them.
However, there is something even more fundamental, and it follows from what we’re asking God. The conversion of a family member or friend is a grace, a miracle. In fact, if the resurrection of a person from the dead is a great and impressive matter, how much more is the return of supernatural life to a soul that was dead in sin! That is why the most important things we can do is to pray and offer spiritual sacrifices for those who are not practicing.
Daily Mass and Adoration
What is the best thing to do for these souls? The best thing is to spend time in Christ’s presence in the Eucharist. After all, there is re-presented Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, precisely where He died to give life to the world. St. Claude de la Colombière has written a beautiful passage on the Mass, and reminds us of its overwhelming power:
God is more honored by a single Mass than He could be by all the actions of angels and men together, however fervent and heroic they might be. How seldom do we thank Jesus Christ that, in doing away with all other sacrifices, He has left us a sacrifice that cannot fail to be pleasing to God, a victim capable of effacing the sins of the world. When I hear Mass, when I offer the Holy Sacrifice as priest or as a member of the Church, I can with full courage and confidence defy heaven to do anything that pleases God more. Whatever I hope for and desire I can pray for confidently. I can ask for great graces of every kind for myself, my friends, and my enemies, and far from being ashamed at asking for so much I shall know it is little in comparison with what I offer. My only fear is that I shall ask too little and not have a firm, unshakeable hope of obtaining not only what I ask but far more. If we only knew the treasure we hold in our hands! (Spiritual Direction, Ignatius Press, 3-4)
A Biblical Example
When we pray for the conversion of our family members and friends, we act like the four men who brought a paralytic to Christ. The event is found in all three synoptic Gospels (Matthew 9:1-8, Mark 2:1-12, and Luke 5:17-26). Our attention is almost instantly focused on the paralytic, but it’s worthwhile meditating on those mysterious men who brought him to Jesus.
All three Gospels are vague about who these figures are. Yet, all three insist that “Jesus saw their faith,” meaning the faith of those who carried the paralytic – not the paralytic’s faith. It’s quite likely that the paralytic was not only physically immobile but also spiritual paralyzed. Perhaps he didn’t even have enough faith to ask Jesus for healing. This scene plays itself out many times as we live out our faith: we bring others to Jesus so that He can heal them. On our own, we are incapable of healing anyone; only Jesus brings about conversion, but we bring these souls, mainly through prayer and penance, to Jesus Christ.
A Real-Life Example
It’s important to bear in mind that this work is often hidden, and we are left to trust that, in heaven, we will know the effects of our prayers. The story is told of a religious sister, a Poor Clare, who offered herself in prayer and sacrifice for her brother who, though superficially pious, was proud and obsessed with worldly success.
At a certain point, when she was the abbess of her community, God revealed to her that her life would end soon, and she offered to endure a great deal of suffering and torments during it. She suffered so much that it seemed that “every nerve was racked with pain” (Reville, Saint Francis Xavier, 17).
Having offered herself as a “holocaust of charity,” she remained cheerful throughout her illness and was able to convince her family to leave her brother at the university to study since she knew that it was there that he would reform his life (Bartoli & Maffei, The Life of St. Francis Xavier, 27).
Today, that sister is almost entirely forgotten. Very few books mention her role in her brother’s conversion, but we remember her brother. In fact, we remember him every year on December 3rd as St. Francis Xavier. Without his sister, who brought him to Christ’s feet, we might not have one of the greatest missionary saints in the Church.
Sometimes, it is tempting to give up, especially when we don’t see the effects of our prayers and sacrifices. However, this much is certain: God wants the salvation of our brothers and sisters or our children even more than we do. After all, they are His children too. All He asks is for us to cooperate with Him in this work.
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